Pushing myself to the limit and hitting the brick wall

I feel very guilty about not being able to do very much in the home and this means leaving things like hoovering, cleaning, sweeping and the laundry to my husband.

I think the family look on me as being lazy but they say that is not so. I believe them - it is me, I just have huge guilt feelings.

I have spent the last couple of weeks pushing myself to my limit and three days ago I hit the wall. I can prepare meals with my husband's assistance. When making pastry I have to use the food processor as I sadly can no longer mix the flour and fats by hand. I have started making my own bread as I have more confidence in the contents but I now use a bread making machine.

More and more I am making my own dishes from casseroles and curries to bread and cakes. I make biscuits, quiches, pies and tarts. Some days we just make a Thai pot luck meal. This is one of our favourites as Thai curry paste has a lovely taste especially when added to vegetables, Thai soup mix and Satay.

Tajine is another favourite as it has lots of spices that I adore. We actually bought a Tajine dish which we use a great deal. Chicken is a major part of the recipe added to vegetables with added spices.

Cooking is something I feel I can do although I have to ask for some help which for me is extremely hard as I look on asking for help as a sign of weakness and it is very hard to change my mind set. Asking for help to do the hoovering, cleaning and laundry sounds like saying do this, do that - i.e. giving orders. The family say they don't mind helping around the house or doing shopping I just wish I could do it all myself.

Recently my husband read The Spoon Theory. http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/navigation/BYDLS-TheSpoonTheory.pdf. He told me that it is what he has been telling me for years, pace myself. He has said that I should do a little then rest but I want to do it all and then of course I suffer.

After feeling I have done so well over the last couple of weeks and accomplishing so much then hitting a brick wall I see that I have to change my mindset and my ways. I will do some chores or cooking for a couple of hours and then rest. I have promised I will ask for help and not expect people to read my mind and know when I need help.

I am not saying that it will work immediately but I think we will get there.

Give it a name and you have someone to blame!

My rheumatoid arthritis is called Fred.

No, I am not mad I just feel that when I am in pain, am exhausted, brain won't work I have someone to blame. That is where Fred comes in.

Today I sat in the car for hours and Fred is now complaining. Fred needs soothing so it is the head pad, TENS machine, rest in a comfy bed, painkillers and indulgence. Fred gets quite upset when I try and exercise, walk, be independent. But do I give in to Fred? Sometimes, like now, I will rest and let the screaming joints calm down. Other days I will keep going and going and going until I am in tears. I don't have the word pacing in my vocabulary and my husband will keep on about pacing yourself, you know it is best in the long run but I want to finish what I started.

When I get to the stage I am at this evening I need help. Help to undress, help to get ready for bed, help to get into bed; I feel like a baby. My husband cooks the food and cuts mine up to help me. I am very lucky but sometimes I don't show my appreciation.

I don't like asking for help and my husband says I am my own worst enemy. I feel so guilty you see for being ill, for having problems in doing things, not pulling my weight in the house and for having to ask people to do even simple things for me.

When I say this I am told that he wouldn't do some much for me if he didn't love me like he does. He knows how to make me cry!

The worst part is when I have a flare in my rheumatoid arthritis it is preceded by a change in my temperament. The poor man can't do anything right, but he carries on exactly as before doing things for me and helping me.

That is love.