We woke this morning to a very grey, foggy, damp, cold day.
The nurse came to do my blood test and give me my methotrexate injection. She was very cold and said the fog was quite dense. We had to go shopping and visit the pharmacy so we wrapped warmly and set off. The thermometer in the car was registering minus 1 as soon as we left home.
The local market town was freezing. I had a thick jacket, hat, boots and gloves but still felt cold. We went to get my medication and then did the shopping as quickly as possible to get home. Luckily we didn't have to wait around too long and we were on our way home. By this time my hips, back, and neck were agony.
The wood burner in the kitchen was warmly welcoming. A hot cup of coffee went a long way to warm us up on the inside. I was insistent that I help prepare lunch and dinner but the pain in my hands made things very difficult but being so stubborn I ploughed on.
After lunch we sat by a huge log fire in our lounge with a cup of tea and a good book. Where better on a horrid day? Curled up in my big armchair is was fantastic, watching the flames and feeling the warmth made me appreciate what I have.
Unfortunately the methotrexate always make me feel quite unwell but I am so stubborn I don't want to give in unless there is nothing else for it.
Methotrexate has not done me any favours. Dizziness, sore throat, itching, hair loss and problems with my lungs. I had pneumonia twice in four months. One of the side effects noted about methotrexate is that it causes mild hair loss but for me I lost all the hair on my legs, bikini line and under arms.
I also take prednisone daily. The side effects of that are also very distressing. The weight gain around the abdoment, the dowger hump, the round 'moon' face, acne (for me this has been mainly on the chest, arms, buttocks and occasionally on my face. I have developed diabetes, I have osteopenia in my left hip, high blood pressure and where I have lost hair in certain places I have an inordinate amount of hair on my face. I am lucky that I am very fair so the hair is not as noticeable as it could be but it is there.
In October I was hospitalized with a herniated cervical disc. On admission I was also found to be diabetic. After initially increasing the dose of prednisone over a month while the disc healed, my rheumotologist decided it might be prudent to lower the dose slowly over the next few months to get me off the steroid. I was happy with this arrangement but I am amazed to find that since lowering the dose I now have hairy legs! I was shaving my legs lightly every three months now if I leave it I shall be plaiting the hairs! Still no hair under the arms though, but I do believe that I am seeing less hair on my face. The dowger hump has gone and I have noticed a great change in my face which looks less moon faced. As I was put on a diabetic diet I am losing weight which is good news for the arthritis, the diabetes and the high blood pressure.
I still get pain though which perhaps is due to the lower dosage of steroid but until the blood test results come back I really don't know. My neck has been in so much pain that I have temporarily increased the steroid after talking to my rheumotologist, he has that this is for two weeks but if the pain and the side effects of the disc continue then we will have to discuss the matter.
I have enough problems with the pain Fred gives me without the cold and damp weather we are stuck with at present. Managing Fred, coping with the pain, trying to get off of medication is very stressful which plays right into the hands of the auto immune system and throws that right off kilter.
But stay positive. I am positive it hurts, I am positive I am fed up with Fred, I am positive I hate my medication, I am positive I loathe the side effects.
Thursday, 12 January 2012
Wednesday, 11 January 2012
Herniated cervical disc flares again
Last October I was hospitalized for a month with a herniated cervical disc. I had to wear a cervical collar, take strong painkillers, not lift, not turn my head, take increased amounts of Prednisone and just rest.
My rheumatoid arthritis was diagnosed in 2008 and has spread through my body. The last places it appeared were my neck and my jaw. In 2010 I started to feel very dizzy, have pain in my neck, shoulder and top of my back and also numbness in my left hand. The dizziness became quite a problem as I started to fall and it was then my husband took me to the hospital. I had a scan and was told it was the cervical disc that was herniated to match one in my lower back. Between the two I have a great deal of pain and walking is very difficult. I use a wheelchair because of the pain but sitting is as uncomfortable as walking and at times even lying down is painful.
I have looked into the options for pain relief. I use a TENS machine which I like as it is easy to use and no medication is required, heat pads and cold pads are brilliant but only give temporary relief, strong painkillers work well but if I take the amount recommended by the Rheumotologist I get stomach problems.
People are not very helpful with their comments.
I get a bit of pain now and again.
You should do more/less exercise.
Arthritis is only for old people.
Its mind over matter, just get on with it.
Its only arthritis it can't kill you.
At least its not cancer.
So many people are not well informed and don't understand about rheumatoid arthritis and what it can do not only to your joints but other parts of the body too. It can cause dry eyes and mouth, pleurisy and heart problems. It is also recorded that people with rheumatoid arthritis have a shorter life expectancy. Due to the steroids I have also developed diabetes.
I was told if I can come off of the steroids there is the possibility the diabetes will clear up. In December I saw the rheumotologist and he was pleased with the way the disc was healing so I started to decrease the steroids. I have had pain but have stuck with it. Then a few days ago I started to feel pain in my neck again. The dizziness returned and some numbness in my hand. I rang the rheumotologist and he told me to start wearing the neck collar again, take painkillers, increase the steroids, not to lift, don't turn my head; all the things I did last time. I had hoped to be off the steroids by April. If my symptoms are not better in two weeks I have to ring him again.
In the meantime I am reliant on my husband and family again and my independence has had to take a back seat for the time being. I can only hope that my disc repairs in the next two weeks.
My rheumatoid arthritis was diagnosed in 2008 and has spread through my body. The last places it appeared were my neck and my jaw. In 2010 I started to feel very dizzy, have pain in my neck, shoulder and top of my back and also numbness in my left hand. The dizziness became quite a problem as I started to fall and it was then my husband took me to the hospital. I had a scan and was told it was the cervical disc that was herniated to match one in my lower back. Between the two I have a great deal of pain and walking is very difficult. I use a wheelchair because of the pain but sitting is as uncomfortable as walking and at times even lying down is painful.
I have looked into the options for pain relief. I use a TENS machine which I like as it is easy to use and no medication is required, heat pads and cold pads are brilliant but only give temporary relief, strong painkillers work well but if I take the amount recommended by the Rheumotologist I get stomach problems.
People are not very helpful with their comments.
I get a bit of pain now and again.
You should do more/less exercise.
Arthritis is only for old people.
Its mind over matter, just get on with it.
Its only arthritis it can't kill you.
At least its not cancer.
So many people are not well informed and don't understand about rheumatoid arthritis and what it can do not only to your joints but other parts of the body too. It can cause dry eyes and mouth, pleurisy and heart problems. It is also recorded that people with rheumatoid arthritis have a shorter life expectancy. Due to the steroids I have also developed diabetes.
I was told if I can come off of the steroids there is the possibility the diabetes will clear up. In December I saw the rheumotologist and he was pleased with the way the disc was healing so I started to decrease the steroids. I have had pain but have stuck with it. Then a few days ago I started to feel pain in my neck again. The dizziness returned and some numbness in my hand. I rang the rheumotologist and he told me to start wearing the neck collar again, take painkillers, increase the steroids, not to lift, don't turn my head; all the things I did last time. I had hoped to be off the steroids by April. If my symptoms are not better in two weeks I have to ring him again.
In the meantime I am reliant on my husband and family again and my independence has had to take a back seat for the time being. I can only hope that my disc repairs in the next two weeks.
Monday, 9 January 2012
Thank goodness for the teapot
Today I have had need of my Teapot. I woke not feeling too good and then, due to my arthritis, I fell.
I already have problems with my hip and back so it was those that were affected. The pain has been quite horrendous and I have had to rely on my husband to help me. I have been resting all day knitting, reading, watching television and surfing the internet.
To deal with the pain I tend to use painkillers, heat or cold pads (depending on where the pain is)and I also use my TENS machine. I use it when the arthritis is in my hips, back, knee, hand, elbow and shoulder. It is easy as you can just carry on as usual while the machine pulsates and helps relieve the pain. I also try and take my mind off of the pain; which is not always easy.
I had plans today too which is annoying. I wanted to make soup, prepare some meals for a couple of days and to take my computer to the computer doctor. I am borrowing my husband's computer at the moment and it is just not like having my own.
In some ways I am glad I didn't have to go out as since last evening the weather has been terrible. All night the wind howled around the house and rain lashed the window shutters. Today the wind howled in the chimney and I could see the rain pouring down and hitting the window panes.
I have plans for tomorrow so I am hoping the pain and the weather will have improved by then
I already have problems with my hip and back so it was those that were affected. The pain has been quite horrendous and I have had to rely on my husband to help me. I have been resting all day knitting, reading, watching television and surfing the internet.
To deal with the pain I tend to use painkillers, heat or cold pads (depending on where the pain is)and I also use my TENS machine. I use it when the arthritis is in my hips, back, knee, hand, elbow and shoulder. It is easy as you can just carry on as usual while the machine pulsates and helps relieve the pain. I also try and take my mind off of the pain; which is not always easy.
I had plans today too which is annoying. I wanted to make soup, prepare some meals for a couple of days and to take my computer to the computer doctor. I am borrowing my husband's computer at the moment and it is just not like having my own.
In some ways I am glad I didn't have to go out as since last evening the weather has been terrible. All night the wind howled around the house and rain lashed the window shutters. Today the wind howled in the chimney and I could see the rain pouring down and hitting the window panes.
I have plans for tomorrow so I am hoping the pain and the weather will have improved by then
Sunday, 8 January 2012
Teapot designs
I find teapots most reassuring. There is nothing more satisfying in winter than sitting by a fire with a hot cup of tea.
When I started thinking about the New Year I didn't want to make new year resolutions. I find that they are all broken by 1st February so I thought what can I do practically to change my life. So the first thing I had to decide was what do I like to do?
I made a list: photography, writing stories, writing poetry, writing articles about travel and tourism for disabled people, card making (where I can use my photography too), knitting and making fascinators.
Being in a wheelchair does have it's disadvantages. There are places that I can't get to but on the whole have wheelchair will travel. It doesn't stop me from doing things that I like though; perhaps just occasionally when the rheumatoid arthritis affects my hands.
Living in the middle of a national park has it's advantages in that I can visit beautiful surroundings all year round which makes photography a complete joy. I resource pictures and materials to make cards, use personal experiences to write stories, and poetry, find writing articles about travel and tourism for disabled people is easier when you can say been there done that.
I love to knit. However, if your hands feel like boxing gloves and you can't bend your fingers it makes knitting a bit difficult so I tend to do little and often.
My daughter married 28th December and she had ideas on what she wanted. Her daughter was to be bridesmaid so I made fascinators for head dresses. Both were delighted with them.
I wouldn't say I am perfect at any of my interests but I can have a darn good try!
When I started thinking about the New Year I didn't want to make new year resolutions. I find that they are all broken by 1st February so I thought what can I do practically to change my life. So the first thing I had to decide was what do I like to do?
I made a list: photography, writing stories, writing poetry, writing articles about travel and tourism for disabled people, card making (where I can use my photography too), knitting and making fascinators.
Being in a wheelchair does have it's disadvantages. There are places that I can't get to but on the whole have wheelchair will travel. It doesn't stop me from doing things that I like though; perhaps just occasionally when the rheumatoid arthritis affects my hands.
Living in the middle of a national park has it's advantages in that I can visit beautiful surroundings all year round which makes photography a complete joy. I resource pictures and materials to make cards, use personal experiences to write stories, and poetry, find writing articles about travel and tourism for disabled people is easier when you can say been there done that.
I love to knit. However, if your hands feel like boxing gloves and you can't bend your fingers it makes knitting a bit difficult so I tend to do little and often.
My daughter married 28th December and she had ideas on what she wanted. Her daughter was to be bridesmaid so I made fascinators for head dresses. Both were delighted with them.
I wouldn't say I am perfect at any of my interests but I can have a darn good try!
Rheumatoid arthritis just isn't funny
Perhaps, like me, you associate rheumatoid arthritis, or any type of rheumatics come to that, with the elderly then you are very much mistaken.
I remember my grandmother and my father both having rheumatism and now I regret just passing it off as something that will eventually come to everyone.
I remember years ago talking to my doctor about the severe pains I had in my thumbs and especially around the base of my thumbs, also in my knees but was told I was too young for rheumatism.
I had three strokes and each one left me more disabled mentally and physically. After the last one in 2000 I had hoped to make some sort of recovery but by early 2001 I was still finding things difficult and ended up in hospital again; twice. I was totally exhausted, in pain and really struggling with everyday things. Luckily I have a husband who cares for me despite being ill himself. I found dealing with money and form filling especially difficult and came to rely on my husband more and more. During the second hospital stay I was referred to a psychiatrist would told me I had ME or CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.)
In 2002 we sold our large family home to move in with our younger daughter and her family. She and her husband ran a business and had a baby girl. We were to help with childcare and a little toward the business. We bought an old house as a buy to let investment with a sitting tenant and also bought a second home in France. We spent blocks of time in France and I found that my health was a little improved in the tranquility of the area. Our house was on one floor and had amazing views over farmland, also we had wonderful neighbours. In 2003 our daughter told us she was pregnant again which we were all happy about then the news came about that they had lost the business and they moved temporarily in with her parents in law. In the October she gave birth to a boy and because they had this tiny baby and a toddler they were moved to half way accomodation which was horrible. At least they had a bathroom and kitchen of their own but lived, slept and ate in one room with the baby sleeping in his pram.
So, we were homeless too. We moved in with our elder daughter and her partner but resolved to spend most time in France. They were planning to marry in April 2004 and we were involved in the preparations for that. We went to France for Christmas 2003 and we talked over our situation. What could we do? Then the answer hit us - move to France permenantly. We returned to the UK in January and put the wheels in motion. We obtained the necessary paperwork, made loads of phone calls to assertain if we could continue to receive our benefits and keep medical appointments. One appointment was very important to me, it was regarding the intense pain I have in my back. I saw a lady consultant who told me I would have to learn to live with the pain.
In May 2004 we moved to France permenantly, our new son in law drove a van with most of our possessions; to make sure we went he said! Our people carrier was also packed to the gunnels. The mayor and commune were really happy we had moved permenantly and made us welcome all over again.
That summer I ended up in hospital again and then spent a month in a rehabilitation centre. I was convinced I had suffered a flare of CFS which the doctors and physiotherapists didn't recognise as being an illness. I was happy to get home and start recovering on my own. I did start to improve and I was able to do more and more, little by little. Then in January 2006 my husband was taken seriously ill. We knew we needed to be nearer commerce than the 35 minute drive we had then. We moved to a village on the outskirts of the town and settled into a fairly happy routine. We kept the same GP and pharmacist who became a good friend.
Febuary 2007 brought news I suppose I had been waiting for for sometime, our younger daughter and her husband were to split up. Her husband told her to go and live with us in France and take the children. As we were going back to the UK for her sister's master's degree graduation in the April we said we would bring her and the children back with us on our return.
Soon after arriving our daughter found a job working on canal hotel boats which meant she was away from home a fair bit leaving us with the children. It wasn't easy as both the children and their mum had no knowledge of French and were all thrown in at the deep end. The children were 5 and 3 when they came to France. A few months after starting work our daughter met a Frenchman to whom she is now engaged, this bolstered her spirits and the children took to him straight away.
I fell and broke my shoulder in October 2007 and was out of action for a few weeks but also I was finding everyday things more and more difficult as the task of looking after two children started to have an impact. The following summer we decided to take a holiday. It was lovely just doing what we wanted to do. However, I started getting severe pain in my hands. I saw the GP on my return home and she referred me to a rheumotologist who told me before tests I had rheumatoid arthritis. The tests only confirmed it. I started on medication straight away. I told him about the problems I had had years before and the fact I was diagnosed with CFS. He said from the x-rays he could tell I had had RA for at least 20 years and I could never be too young as children get juvenile rheumatoid arthritis. Also the back problem was nearly 30 years old which is correct as I had fallen down stairs about 30 years previously hitting each stair with my lower back, causing the pain I was told I would have to learn to live with.
Since 2008 the arthritis has spread and I also have osteo arthritis and now Osteopenia called a precurser to osteoporosis. I have this in my hips. I am affected from my feet to my jaw. Just before Christmas 2010 I had a really bad chest infection and following that I had flares of the RA every two weeks. In March we went to the UK for a month and I spent a week in hospital with pneumonia, since then I have suffered two weekly flares of the RA again. I am desperately trying to come off of the medication I am on as I am having such bad reactions to them and hoping my rheumotologist will agree.
I remember my grandmother and my father both having rheumatism and now I regret just passing it off as something that will eventually come to everyone.
I remember years ago talking to my doctor about the severe pains I had in my thumbs and especially around the base of my thumbs, also in my knees but was told I was too young for rheumatism.
I had three strokes and each one left me more disabled mentally and physically. After the last one in 2000 I had hoped to make some sort of recovery but by early 2001 I was still finding things difficult and ended up in hospital again; twice. I was totally exhausted, in pain and really struggling with everyday things. Luckily I have a husband who cares for me despite being ill himself. I found dealing with money and form filling especially difficult and came to rely on my husband more and more. During the second hospital stay I was referred to a psychiatrist would told me I had ME or CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.)
In 2002 we sold our large family home to move in with our younger daughter and her family. She and her husband ran a business and had a baby girl. We were to help with childcare and a little toward the business. We bought an old house as a buy to let investment with a sitting tenant and also bought a second home in France. We spent blocks of time in France and I found that my health was a little improved in the tranquility of the area. Our house was on one floor and had amazing views over farmland, also we had wonderful neighbours. In 2003 our daughter told us she was pregnant again which we were all happy about then the news came about that they had lost the business and they moved temporarily in with her parents in law. In the October she gave birth to a boy and because they had this tiny baby and a toddler they were moved to half way accomodation which was horrible. At least they had a bathroom and kitchen of their own but lived, slept and ate in one room with the baby sleeping in his pram.
So, we were homeless too. We moved in with our elder daughter and her partner but resolved to spend most time in France. They were planning to marry in April 2004 and we were involved in the preparations for that. We went to France for Christmas 2003 and we talked over our situation. What could we do? Then the answer hit us - move to France permenantly. We returned to the UK in January and put the wheels in motion. We obtained the necessary paperwork, made loads of phone calls to assertain if we could continue to receive our benefits and keep medical appointments. One appointment was very important to me, it was regarding the intense pain I have in my back. I saw a lady consultant who told me I would have to learn to live with the pain.
In May 2004 we moved to France permenantly, our new son in law drove a van with most of our possessions; to make sure we went he said! Our people carrier was also packed to the gunnels. The mayor and commune were really happy we had moved permenantly and made us welcome all over again.
That summer I ended up in hospital again and then spent a month in a rehabilitation centre. I was convinced I had suffered a flare of CFS which the doctors and physiotherapists didn't recognise as being an illness. I was happy to get home and start recovering on my own. I did start to improve and I was able to do more and more, little by little. Then in January 2006 my husband was taken seriously ill. We knew we needed to be nearer commerce than the 35 minute drive we had then. We moved to a village on the outskirts of the town and settled into a fairly happy routine. We kept the same GP and pharmacist who became a good friend.
Febuary 2007 brought news I suppose I had been waiting for for sometime, our younger daughter and her husband were to split up. Her husband told her to go and live with us in France and take the children. As we were going back to the UK for her sister's master's degree graduation in the April we said we would bring her and the children back with us on our return.
Soon after arriving our daughter found a job working on canal hotel boats which meant she was away from home a fair bit leaving us with the children. It wasn't easy as both the children and their mum had no knowledge of French and were all thrown in at the deep end. The children were 5 and 3 when they came to France. A few months after starting work our daughter met a Frenchman to whom she is now engaged, this bolstered her spirits and the children took to him straight away.
I fell and broke my shoulder in October 2007 and was out of action for a few weeks but also I was finding everyday things more and more difficult as the task of looking after two children started to have an impact. The following summer we decided to take a holiday. It was lovely just doing what we wanted to do. However, I started getting severe pain in my hands. I saw the GP on my return home and she referred me to a rheumotologist who told me before tests I had rheumatoid arthritis. The tests only confirmed it. I started on medication straight away. I told him about the problems I had had years before and the fact I was diagnosed with CFS. He said from the x-rays he could tell I had had RA for at least 20 years and I could never be too young as children get juvenile rheumatoid arthritis. Also the back problem was nearly 30 years old which is correct as I had fallen down stairs about 30 years previously hitting each stair with my lower back, causing the pain I was told I would have to learn to live with.
Since 2008 the arthritis has spread and I also have osteo arthritis and now Osteopenia called a precurser to osteoporosis. I have this in my hips. I am affected from my feet to my jaw. Just before Christmas 2010 I had a really bad chest infection and following that I had flares of the RA every two weeks. In March we went to the UK for a month and I spent a week in hospital with pneumonia, since then I have suffered two weekly flares of the RA again. I am desperately trying to come off of the medication I am on as I am having such bad reactions to them and hoping my rheumotologist will agree.
One step forward - two back
I was exhausted, in pain and feeling decidedly not well. In the night I woke unable to breathe, my right eye was numb and so was my right foot. I told my husband but he didn't know what to do and as I couldn't move alone I was left to go back to sleep. Today I have similar symptoms but as he is unwell due to driving all day I am just getting on with it.
The arthritis is very active in my neck, hips and back today. I have a funny hand which I can sort of cope with. When my husband is feeling like he is today I feel really guilty that I can't do very much to help. He is my carer so I rely on him and when he is ill we are both in trouble.
I am going to have to contact my Rheumotologist and explain what is happening with me and see what he suggests. I desperately want to come off of the Prednisone which he is aware of, but now I am on a very low dose and I am having such bad reactions I need some advice.
Fred my arthritis and I are not on good terms, he is making my life very unhappy, painful and downright frustrating. I can't do anything to satisfy him and his demands are unrelenting. At least calling him Fred means I have someone to blame!
The arthritis is very active in my neck, hips and back today. I have a funny hand which I can sort of cope with. When my husband is feeling like he is today I feel really guilty that I can't do very much to help. He is my carer so I rely on him and when he is ill we are both in trouble.
I am going to have to contact my Rheumotologist and explain what is happening with me and see what he suggests. I desperately want to come off of the Prednisone which he is aware of, but now I am on a very low dose and I am having such bad reactions I need some advice.
Fred my arthritis and I are not on good terms, he is making my life very unhappy, painful and downright frustrating. I can't do anything to satisfy him and his demands are unrelenting. At least calling him Fred means I have someone to blame!
Give it a name and you have someone to blame!
My rheumatoid arthritis is called Fred.
No, I am not mad I just feel that when I am in pain, am exhausted, brain won't work I have someone to blame. That is where Fred comes in.
Today I sat in the car for hours and Fred is now complaining. Fred needs soothing so it is the head pad, TENS machine, rest in a comfy bed, painkillers and indulgence. Fred gets quite upset when I try and exercise, walk, be independent. But do I give in to Fred? Sometimes, like now, I will rest and let the screaming joints calm down. Other days I will keep going and going and going until I am in tears. I don't have the word pacing in my vocabulary and my husband will keep on about pacing yourself, you know it is best in the long run but I want to finish what I started.
When I get to the stage I am at this evening I need help. Help to undress, help to get ready for bed, help to get into bed; I feel like a baby. My husband cooks the food and cuts mine up to help me. I am very lucky but sometimes I don't show my appreciation.
I don't like asking for help and my husband says I am my own worst enemy. I feel so guilty you see for being ill, for having problems in doing things, not pulling my weight in the house and for having to ask people to do even simple things for me.
When I say this I am told that he wouldn't do some much for me if he didn't love me like he does. He knows how to make me cry!
The worst part is when I have a flare in my rheumatoid arthritis it is preceded by a change in my temperament. The poor man can't do anything right, but he carries on exactly as before doing things for me and helping me.
That is love.
No, I am not mad I just feel that when I am in pain, am exhausted, brain won't work I have someone to blame. That is where Fred comes in.
Today I sat in the car for hours and Fred is now complaining. Fred needs soothing so it is the head pad, TENS machine, rest in a comfy bed, painkillers and indulgence. Fred gets quite upset when I try and exercise, walk, be independent. But do I give in to Fred? Sometimes, like now, I will rest and let the screaming joints calm down. Other days I will keep going and going and going until I am in tears. I don't have the word pacing in my vocabulary and my husband will keep on about pacing yourself, you know it is best in the long run but I want to finish what I started.
When I get to the stage I am at this evening I need help. Help to undress, help to get ready for bed, help to get into bed; I feel like a baby. My husband cooks the food and cuts mine up to help me. I am very lucky but sometimes I don't show my appreciation.
I don't like asking for help and my husband says I am my own worst enemy. I feel so guilty you see for being ill, for having problems in doing things, not pulling my weight in the house and for having to ask people to do even simple things for me.
When I say this I am told that he wouldn't do some much for me if he didn't love me like he does. He knows how to make me cry!
The worst part is when I have a flare in my rheumatoid arthritis it is preceded by a change in my temperament. The poor man can't do anything right, but he carries on exactly as before doing things for me and helping me.
That is love.
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